In the summer of 2009, “Jersey Shore” premiered to astonishing commercial and critical success. The show struck a chord amongst aspiring guidos as well as youth culture at large. Nearly three years later, “Jersey Shore” has had over 200 million viewers and is seen across the world, globally acknowledged as the most important television series in the history of television ever.
But it wasn’t always easy. The original cast had deep rooted conflicts, personality clashes that threatened the show’s success and ability to perform under pressure. Described by castmates as a “f****** a******** t******** t******** y*******,” Angelina “Trashbags” Pavarnick was the villain. And she had to go. But who would replace her?
The sexpot, a champion for women around the world, and over-all amazing person, Deena Nicole Cortese was the answer. She burst onto the scene wearing her cowboy hat. She broke into the hearts of millions with her blast in a glass love. But it wasn’t always easy.
From humble beginnings to global success and intrigue; multiple marriages and substance abuse issues; fame and obscurity, love and war.
This is Deena Nicole Cortese: The True* Reality VC Story
Early Life
Deena Nicole Cortese was born Dendera Niut Chalthoum on January 12, 1987, in [new] Egypt, the sixth daughter of a one-armed Egyptian carpet maker. Her father had always dreamed of a male son, so when Deena arrived he sent her mother to New Egypt, New Jersey, USA, to “teach her a lesson.” It would be almost a decade before Deena and her mother would be reunited.
At age 10 the Cortese’s father was imprisoned for his strong stance against Egypt’s position on foreign Apprehension, Extradition, Rendition, and Prosecution of wanted fugitives. A supporter of Article 5 tribunals, Cortoza was imprisoned for life in then-president Mubaraks billiard table. The billiard table now resides in a civilian home and is used as a dining room table.
Meanwhile, Deena’s mother had married into the American CIA, a royal family with connections all over the world. When she heard about her former husbands ‘small legal troubles’ she sent a jet with the tail number N-379 P to pick up Deena. Deena arrived in America on a CIA Gulfstream IV, and would never look back.
High School and Early Fame
Deena attended New Egypt high school in New Egypt, NJ. Her first two years were spent in a haze of cultural confusion. She wore a punjabi because there were no traditional egyptian clothing stores. At 16, however, she attended a Super Sweet 16 party, thrown by MTV and a local Jewish family. It was at this party that she learned to love manischewitz and how to “face down, ass up” on the dance floor with the guido contingent.
Shortly after this party, Deena officially adopted her American name “Deena Nicole Cortese” and began hanging out with the tough Guido Crowd. She started a MySpace page and began billing herself as “the blast in the glass,” and “ADDiCTiVE & ExPENiIV3 LiK3 COCAiNE”
It was shortly after establishing her party girl reputation that Deena Nicole eloped to Monte Carlo with David Disick. The couple met in New York City’s famed nightclub, The Enfield Academy, and married the next morning after an across the pond flight.
They divorced two weeks later.
The Jersey Shore and Beyond
Following her divorce, Deena met Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi at a qualifying tournament for the Nathan’s 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest. Neither of them ranked highly enough for the main event, despite consuming 32.5 and 36 dog respectively. The people at MTV did notice: there to film “True Life: I Have a Severe Case of Fat Americanism,” the ghost of Mary Bunim (too soon?) immediately grasped the possibilities behind the Meatball duo. But trouble was brewing for Deena Nicole, and it would be another year before she could join the cast.
Broadway had gone crazy for Deena. They’d seen her in NYC socialite blogs and at all the hottest clubs and restaurants, and when it came time for Rainbow Bright: The Musical, Deena Nicole was the only rainbow bright they wanted. Below, her cast picture:
But then it was time for Jersey Shore and global fame. With phrases like “I would never IN MY LIFE lick a butt,” “face down, ass up…that’s how I like to have a good time,” and, referring to intercourse as “doing sex,” Deena was an immediate sensation.
And you know where she is now. In Italy, in Vegas for the VMA’s, all over the internet. Where will it end? I don’t think even Deena knows:
*completely fictional, satirical accounting
